Amusing incoming emails from around the world

Have a look here: http://www.royalmail.com/portal/rm/jump2?catId=400043&mediaId=600023&campaignid=smartstamp

Right at the bottom of the webpage, they say:

"Royal Mail, the Royal Mail Cruciform, the colour red and SmartStamp are all registered trademarks of Royal Mail Group plc."

They think that the colour red is their trademark? Arrogant sods.

I did a quick poll and asked some people (male) whether they thought this picture was funny. They all said yes. So, is it true that men never grow up? No, don't answer that. :-)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I hope you have a financially successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age,
physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal

2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration
shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of
the wishor are acknowledged

3. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement
any of the wishes

4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or
the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor

5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected
within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first

6. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas",
"Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive
figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any
endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary
rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby
acknowledged

This greeting is made under English Law.

Kind regards

If you ever needed proof that the automated translation programs aren't quite 100% yet, then read on....

My daughter got a flexible keyboard at Christmas. It's a bit like the rubber things that cover the buttons on the cash till in the fish-n-chip shop. All a bit of a novelty and typing on it is really difficult (it's completely flat).

However, the best thing is the manual that came with it - some of this stuff is too good to be made up :-)

The Do/Don't section:

It cannot be contacted the sharp object
It cannot be pressed when it was rolled
It cannot be putted into the oven and putted on the fire to roast (E. lucky they mentioned this one!)
Cannot places the heavy object on it in long time
We cannot put out strength to twist or pull it.
It cannot be contacted the oil or the organic impregnate like acetone and toluol etc.

And from there, it just gets better:

Material
Made by high-quality silicone, the keyboard has no poisonous and evil smell, according to the requirement of the environmental protection, it is a kind of creative new product.

Anti-pollution
In view of the fact it is all seal completely, preventing all kinds of germs and pollutants exiting into the keyboard, and the keyboard's surface can be washed and disinfected any time, so it can prevent the disease infection.

Watertightness
It can be used for a damp environment, even inside shallow water. It can be normally used when beverage or other liquids spilled at the keyboard.

Acid and alkaline-proof
The keyboard can be used safely in acid or alkaline environment.

High dustproof
The keyboard can be used safely in dust fog and even in sandstorm (E. very useful near Slough)

Carrying convenience
Because the keyboard can be rolled up, so it can save lots of spaces while carrying.

Other characteristics
The special printing technology guarantees the letter on the buttons of keyboard not to be worn away for a long time (E. Phew - a definitive statement of longevity!)

Feeling soft comfortable.

Soft without any sound while typing.

Various beautiful colors; The button bears to type 2 million times.

The keyboard is applicable to office; hospital Classroom; workshop; network bar; laboratory; kid room; notebook PC; army; etc.

Just one last comment - in the specification is says:
85keys
It's actually got 135. Well, that's kind of close.

What you need, is to laugh about it

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband onto the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Thanks go to *K* for this one...

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails , highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.