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Right at the bottom of the webpage, they say:
"Royal Mail, the Royal Mail Cruciform, the colour red and SmartStamp are all registered trademarks of Royal Mail Group plc."
They think that the colour red is their trademark? Arrogant sods.
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Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I hope you have a financially successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age,
physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual
preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-
1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration
shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of
the wishor are acknowledged
3. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement
any of the wishes
4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or
the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor
5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected
within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first
6. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor
7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas",
"Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive
figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any
endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary
rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby
acknowledged
This greeting is made under English Law.
Kind regards
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My daughter got a flexible keyboard at Christmas. It's a bit like the rubber things that cover the buttons on the cash till in the fish-n-chip shop. All a bit of a novelty and typing on it is really difficult (it's completely flat).
However, the best thing is the manual that came with it - some of this stuff is too good to be made up :-)
The Do/Don't section:
It cannot be contacted the sharp object
It cannot be pressed when it was rolled
It cannot be putted into the oven and putted on the fire to roast (E. lucky they mentioned this one!)
Cannot places the heavy object on it in long time
We cannot put out strength to twist or pull it.
It cannot be contacted the oil or the organic impregnate like acetone and toluol etc.
And from there, it just gets better:
Material
Made by high-quality silicone, the keyboard has no poisonous and evil smell, according to the requirement of the environmental protection, it is a kind of creative new product.
Anti-pollution
In view of the fact it is all seal completely, preventing all kinds of germs and pollutants exiting into the keyboard, and the keyboard's surface can be washed and disinfected any time, so it can prevent the disease infection.
Watertightness
It can be used for a damp environment, even inside shallow water. It can be normally used when beverage or other liquids spilled at the keyboard.
Acid and alkaline-proof
The keyboard can be used safely in acid or alkaline environment.
High dustproof
The keyboard can be used safely in dust fog and even in sandstorm (E. very useful near Slough)
Carrying convenience
Because the keyboard can be rolled up, so it can save lots of spaces while carrying.
Other characteristics
The special printing technology guarantees the letter on the buttons of keyboard not to be worn away for a long time (E. Phew - a definitive statement of longevity!)
Feeling soft comfortable.
Soft without any sound while typing.
Various beautiful colors; The button bears to type 2 million times.
The keyboard is applicable to office; hospital Classroom; workshop; network bar; laboratory; kid room; notebook PC; army; etc.
Just one last comment - in the specification is says:
85keys
It's actually got 135. Well, that's kind of close.
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Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband onto the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $8,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
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My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
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For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails , highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Now - I'm Irish... well, 25% Irish, a fact that I trot out to make people feel uncomfortable at times ;-) I like the picture because it's funny and I'm not bothered one jot about the need that someone had to add to the joke by labelling it Irish.
So, the English use the Irish as the butt of their jokes. But who do the Irish pick on? I'm sure every country in the *world designates another race or peoples, as the perpetual fall-guys (fall-people? no, let's not go there).
So - who do the Aussies joke about? What nation should you mention when visiting Nigeria, to guarantee a hearty guffaw?
*Obviously the US doesn't need to pick on another country - I think their equivalent is to talk about Rednecks
Anyway - the picture....
<5 minutes later>
Oh bugger - why can't I attach pictures? Is this anything to do with the new 'Buy a Pro Account' tab that has appeared? (sorry - I've been away for a while).
<2 minutes later>
Oh - it's the button that says 'Upload pictures'. Jeez - bit obscure or what...
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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude, so I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
“Can you tell me where I can see it?"
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th St. it’s a yellow house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello, you're an asshole!"…but I didn't hang up
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
”My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah, where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I' m really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance... I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street address.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
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During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
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"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told Me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'
"It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I’ll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Monday.
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]]>Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W,
Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RESPONSE Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
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I get lots. Lots and Lots. Lots and Lots and Lots. However, some of the emails really are very funny and so I'd like to have a place to put the best of them. If you enjoy them as well, then great! 
I.
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